Forget Egypt ... The biggest news in Britain is the performance of a couple of buffoon sports commentators on Rupe's Sky network ... The Red Tops in a frenzy over sexist wisecracks ... More defo and privacy actions loom ... Leverhulme sorts out Tony Blair ... Chilcot's sure to nail the former PM
The biggest news story for years is taking place just a few Ryan Air miles away in Egypt but the British tabloids are far more interested in the tale of the two Sky sports commentators who had the dazzlingly original thought that women don't understand the off-side rule.
It is a notion most men have never said or heard expressed before. In a country where the sole topic of conversation among men is football, you'd think someone would have stumbled on it by now.
Benjamin Franklin once said, "Thinking aloud is a habit responsible for much of mankind's misery". But was it just men he was referring to?
The Sky presenters Andy Gray (think President Barry played by Bill Hunter in Strictly Ballroom) and Richard Keys are now out of jobs with eye-watering salaries.
The offence was not clear cut. The remarks were made when the two presenters thought their microphones were off.
Referring to a lineswoman called Sian Massey, Keys said:
"Somebody better get down there and explain offside to her."
Mr Gray, a former Scotland striker, replied:
"Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don't know the offside rule."
Likely lads Andy Gray and Richard Keys - heading to Al-JazeeraSomeone sent the transcript to Sky. Rupe was in town. Alastair Campbell thought it curious that Gray was fired because Gray is suing the Murdoch Empire over the phone hacking scandal and Keys is not.
Anyway, Keys resigned because he also made an oafish suggestion to a female colleague about where she should put a microphone.
Each of the Sky boys has "previous" and lots of stuff has bubbled out since the lineswoman remarks. Women are bobbing up from behind hedges to tell tales.
Keys allegedly said something obscure and inappropriate to Jamie Redknapp on air about one of Redknapp's former girlfriends. His remark, "Did you smash it?" was apparently a reference to having sex.
Most didn't have a clue what he was on about.
But the young lady in question knew immediately and went to the Sunday Mirror. She said she was the "it" Keys was referring to.
The paper said housewife Louise Glass's peaceful life in a quiet Dorset village had been shattered.
Louise Glass: the "it" girl suing SkyLouise, who intends to sue Sky for breach of privacy and defamation, said:
"Keys spoke about me like I was some old whore... I wasn't even a her; just an 'it'."
The Mirror also delved into Gray's sordid love life and one old flame said he was pretty charming to start with but after a while it was plain that "his attitudes to women were pretty out of date."
The reaction of the media has been fascinating.
The female journos and thought-shapers predictably have been outraged. A lot of their male colleagues have too although you are left with the impression that they are diving onto the supine Keys and Gray to boost their feminist credentials.
Anyway, every philanderer I have ever known claims to be a feminist.
Rod Liddle, one of Britain's most outspoken broadsheet columnists shouted indignantly that the punishment for Gray and Keys far outweighs their crimes. To give you a flavor of Rod's shrinking violet approach:
"And then there's Charlotte Jackson, the Sky presenter to whom Gray made a mildly lewd comment. Forgive me, but I cannot imagine addressing Jackson in a manner that wasn't lewd. This is a woman whose rise to minor prominence has been facilitated by getting her baps out as often as possible for the lad mags and explaining to a slavering audience how she enjoys 'girl on girl action'."
Rod writes for Rupert Murdoch and he's still in his job.
As a Parthian shot, the Mirror claims the two commentators may be off to work for Al-Jazeera. They might feel more at home there.
* * *
That Tony Blair's been at it again. He's had the temerity to appear before the Chilcot Inquiry for a second time.
This time he has actually said sorry for the loss of life in Iraq.
Chilcot inquiry panel get the messageWho does he think he is? He's a war criminal that's what he is. And people are saying it openly now because they know he won't sue.
He can't afford another appearance in the witness box. He can't push his luck too much. He got away with Hutton and Butler. He won't get away with Chilcot.
And the people who are calling him a war criminal are good people. They support human rights with a passion, particularly the right to a fair trial.
And speaking of human rights, what right had Blair to invade a sovereign country?
Imagine what would have happened here if Phony Tony had ordered the shooting of half his cabinet or the gassing of thousands of people in Birmingham?
What if he had continually hinted that we had chemical or nuclear weapons, which we would use on our neighbours? Or what if he had failed for years to co-operate with international weapons inspectors?
We wouldn't expect the President of France to ring up the United States and say, "This man must be stopped?"
Blair's got formAny other country would be wrong to interfere in our affairs even if people were dying. It's the price of liberty.
Blair's got form you know. I mean what right had he to save thousands of lives in Kosovo and Sierra Leone in our name? It was none of our business.
And he should have kept out of Northern Ireland. They should have been left to sort out their own troubles. We might have been bombed now and then but that's a small price to pay for peace.
He told Chilcot he couldn't trust his Cabinet. It's not clear why. People of the calibre of Clare Short, Robin Cook and Gordon Brown would have had no reason to leak.
Blair is not a man of his word whatever George Bush says. If he'd let Gordon Brown take over earlier, as he said he would, we might have been in a lot more debt but at least it would have been an honourable thing to do.
Now Blair is swanning around the world making a fortune and warning us about Iran.
This is the cheek of a man who wrote a self-justifying book about his life and made a fortune. Then in a heartless cynical gesture he gave all the proceeds to the British Legion to assuage his guilt.
Why can't he say sorry for the Iraq war? We all know that he and Bush did it for oil so we could take our kids five hundred yards to school in Range Rovers.
All along, Tony Blair has cosied up to the Yanks. That's not in our interests.
Let's face it, what have the Americans ever done for us?
Blair should be hunted like a fox. Don't worry; Chilcot will fix him.