Junior Junior in court to catch Mr Mortified putting his foot in it during sentencing submissions ... Cringe ... When will men learn? ... Nothing should be assumed
I have made my share of gaffs, legal and otherwise, and I have heard some shockers - but I was in court the other day and witnessed an absolute doozie.
I have to share it with you.
A notable worthy of the bar, who I will call Mr Mortified, was dealing with a tough sentencing last week.
The client wasn't a particularly likable fellow (they rarely are) and it was looking like a custodial sentence might top off this case for Mr Mortified and his unsavoury client.
So, like a eulogist at the funeral of an unloved deceased, Mr Mortified was grasping at the straws of his client's respectability in order to convey to the judge the importance that he remain in civilised society.
As he is hitting his peak, referring to his client being a family man and pillar of the community, the crim's wife and three young children straggled into the courtroom and took up some vacant chairs.
Mortified spied said spouse and noted what a blooming figure of womanhood she was.
Ah ha! She's pregnant, he surmised. He turned to the judge and stated that not only is his client a family man, but he is about to become a bigger family man.
It would be inhumane to remove this caring husband from this lovely family while his wife had another little bun in the oven.
She will need the support of her darling, but misguided, husband during her pregnancy, birth and thereafter, in order to cope with this most beautiful of life's blessings.
As Mortified came to the end of this florid submission, his dutiful solicitor tugged on his robes, pointing to a scribbled note in front of him:
"She's not pregnant! She's chubby."
At that point Mr Mortified well and truly lived up to his moniker. He had two options:
- With his overriding duty to the court, he must immediately tell the court of his error; or
- Being a kindly man and suspecting the client's wife is already upset (and the client is the sort of fellow who doesn't cope well with people who upset his wife) he would let it go and quietly, after the fact, inform the court and his opponent of this unfortunate misunderstanding.
Mr Mortified decides on the latter course and promptly sits down.
The judge, in her wisdom, decided to keep the offender on this side of the prison wall.
Unfortunately, Morty is now in a bigger pickle.
The crown, on hearing that the criminal's wife is not pregnant, is now planning to tender the solicitor's handwritten note on an appeal against the leniency of the sentence.
If Mortified had been a woman, this would never have happened.
No woman would assume another is pregnant, even in the face of breaking waters, unless she was told to her face.
Men! They just assume ... which to me seems a funny thing for a barrister to do.
Junior Junior