You ... in the hoodie

Law students required to do a survey to rate the performance of Dr Criminale ... Last class before the exams ... Quietness descends ... Marking procedure for borderline students 

Good morning my lovelies. How nice to see so many of you!

Before we start today I need to ask you to complete one more survey.

Today's survey asks you to rate my teaching of this subject.

Here's your chance everyone! The survey is entirely anonymous and confidential so you may write down whatever you think.

It is university policy that I be absent from the room while you are completing the survey, so I need a volunteer to administer it on my behalf.

Could I have a volunteer please?

I need someone to conduct the survey for me. Is anyone listening? I need a volunteer. It's only a few minutes' work.

Anyone? OK then, I'll have to pick someone. Could you do it please? Yes, you, in the hoodie.

All you need to do is hand out the surveys, wait until everyone is finished, collect the surveys and then seal them up in this envelope. OK?

No, you don't get extra marks for this, think of it as a civic duty. Thanks, I'll be outside.

[15 minutes later]

Thanks everyone for doing the survey.

After all, the university needs to know whether I am earning my pay. Of course, I also benefit from your comments. Past surveys have made me a better teacher.

How could I ignore recent feedback such as, "needs to be more entertaining ... boring ... a wanker"?

Hopefully I've improved a bit as I would like to be promoted at least once before I retire.

You are very attentive today. Where are all your phones? Have your friends stopped texting you? Is the internet down?

I'm sorry that my lectures have been so dull. As this is the last lecture I will keep it brief. You want to know what is in the final exam?

In a word: lots. You want to know what it will be like? In a word: challenging. But you have nothing to worry about as you have been working diligently all session, haven't you? Remember that advice I gave you in back in week one?

You are so quiet today! Yes, the pass mark is fifty per cent. However, I have some discretion. What happens if you are sitting on 48 or 49?

The first thing I do is look back at the attendance data. If you have been coming to class regularly and have basically tried to learn something, you get fifty.

Otherwise, guess what happens? The only thing worse than "49 - F" on your transcript is the certainty of potential employers knowing that you were not worth getting over the line.

No, I am not available for consultation during the study break. You had all session in which to see me. (Lucky that none of you did - it gave me time to eat my lunch.)

Why aren't I available? That question's a bit impertinent, isn't it? I have a conference to go to and yes, it lasts for the whole week. As for the exam period I will be very busy, well, marking exams. This isn't the only subject I teach.

All that remains is for me to wish you the very best of luck. And thanks again for those surveys.