Order me a f*&%ing pizza while you're at it

Excruciating scenes in Justice Daubney's court as accused lets fly with ripe abuse ... "Listen here lard arse - f*&% you" ... Commendable restraint from judge ... Leaf from Maroons book ... Sir Terence O'Rort reports from courtside 

HH The Daubster: A Man for all Seasons

WE breed 'em tough in the Sunshine State. Witness the last State of Origin game.

When the Blues resorted to what was reported to be very salty language in the aftermath of a doubtful try, did the Maroons front row curl up in the corner and cry?

No - they just got on with the job of meting out another humiliation to Ricky Stuart's band of whingers. 

The same applies to the legal profession in Brisvegas. It is not diverted from pursuing all that is good and right by a few ill-chosen expletives.

The pages of this organ are littered with numerous examples of the unfortunate consequences of the use of naughty words by lawyers.

Let's not forget the decade long campaign waged by former language monitor Marty Moynihan against Rhino Baker in order to protect punters from Mick's rather limited vocabulary.

Even the LSC plod jumped on the band wagon and gave out a few smacks to practitioners who resorted to various "blue" expressions in dealing with their clients or even local judicial beaks. (See: Winning ways.)

Justice Martin Daubney of the Queensland Supremes is well-known as a raconteur, bon-vivant and absolute ornament to the bench.

By the same token it could never be said that the Daubstar has ever suffered from the scourge of anorexia and all the photographic evidence indicates that HH's figure might best be described as ample.

However, he has always parlayed his larger than life image to his best advantage, recently playing a role in a reading of A Man For All Seasons that took place in the Banco Court. 

Daubney J has also displayed sensitivity when discharging his judicial functions, specially in the criminal jurisdiction - shedding tears when he recently sentenced a particularly vicious pair of pedophiles who had imprisoned and abused a young girl. 

The Daubstar's sensitivity and patience with litigants in person was again on display on Monday (June 4) in the matter of R v David Allan Baldwin (also known as David Allan Baker) who said some hurtful things to the judge.

In true Maroon spirit the Daubstar soldiered-on.

As far as I know Baldwin or Baker, as he is sometimes known, is absolutely no relation to Mick (Rhino) Baker who has been the subject of extensive investigation by this family-friendly organ.

David Allan Baker had been charged with attempted murder and had sacked his barrister and solicitors on an earlier occasion when his trial came on for hearing.

Baker's trial was set to commence before Daubney on June 4, but the day before he again sacked his legal representatives and the matter came on before the court on an application by the defendant's second set of legal representatives for leave to withdraw after he had dispensed with their services.

Problems started when Daubney explained to Baker that his trial would be continuing even though he had sacked his lawyers ... 

HIS HONOUR: I have been informed, Mr Baker, that you wish to dispense with the services of your solicitor and as a consequence of that your barrister is also seeking leave to withdraw, which means you will be self-represented for this trial. Do you understand that.

DEFENDANT: Yes.

HIS HONOUR: So you'll be representing yourself for this trial, do you understand?

DEFENDANT: No, no way in the world.

HIS HONOUR: Yes, way in the world ... Mr Baker…

DEFENDANT: I'll get a new solicitor and barrister.

HIS HONOUR: No, you tried that last time, Mr Baker ... 

At this point Mr Baker seemed to experience some difficultly in dealing with the relative power positions of judge and accused.

DEFENDANT: Look ... now listen here, mate, you don't know what you're fucking talking about ... Don't come blooming start your shit, right, mate ... you weren't fucking there so don't start your crap ... Read your fucking paragraph or your scripts mate. Don't start putting your fucking heavy crap on me ... 

HIS HONOUR: Now Mr Baker ... the trial will be proceeding ... 

DEFENDANT: I don't give a fuck, you and your trial, mate. Stick your trial up your fucking arse. 

HIS HONOUR: Sit down please, Mr Baker.

DEFENDANT: No, fuck you. You don't tell me what to do, who do you think you are?

Daubney warned Baker to sit down and threatened to have him manacled. Corrective Services officers were then directed to restrain the accused, with HH calling for reinforcements. 

HIS HONOUR: The next people that you see entering the court are the court security staff.  

DEFENDANT: Oh, what do you want me to do? What do you want, a Mickey Mouse badge?

HIS HONOUR: No.

DEFENDANT: Stick it on your fat chest. Hey? What do you want? A Mickey Mouse badge. Come on fatso, what have you got to say for that?

BAILIFF: On their way up, your Honour.

HIS HONOUR: Thank you, Mr Bailiff.

DEFENDANT: Oh, the mouse has gone quiet.

HIS HONOUR: Security, can I ask you to take up positions immediately behind the accused. If he moves from that chair - if he makes any move from that chair you are to assist the Corrective Services personnel in restraining him, do you understand?

SECURITY: Yes , your Honour.

HIS HONOUR: Thank you. You are not to move, do you understand me? Mr Baker? 

It gets worse, or better, depending on where you're sitting ... 

DEFENDANT: No, listen here, lard arse-no fuck you ... I don't give a shit what you fuckin' say ... I'm telling you now you can get fucked. All right?

HIS HONOUR: The law requires ---

DEFENDANT: Are you stupid or what? I don't give a shit what you fuckin' say ... Hey lard arse, can't you fuckin' hear me?

In the true spirit of the Maroons the Daubstar continued to do his duty, despite the distracting observations made by Baker. The accused then added ageism to his list of insults ... 

HIS HONOUR: Is there anything that you want to say in relation to me making an order ---

DEFENDANT: Yeah, I don't know what you're fuck'in talking about, you silly old cunt.

HIS HONOUR: In which case - thank you for that submission in which case ... I order ... that xxxx is a protected witness for this proceeding ... 

DEFENDANT: Well, you can order what you like ... Order me a fuckin' pizza while you're at it.

Showing commendable restraint at being compared to a pizza delivery boy the judge pressed on, attempting to hear the application by the lawyers to withdraw ... 

HIS HONOUR: Mr Mackenzie, do you and your instructing solicitor now seek leave to withdraw?

Mr MACKENZIE: Yes, your Honour.

HIS HONOUR: All right then. I give you leave to withdraw. Thank you both very much for your assistance.

DEFENDANT: Wait, what are these two fuckheads doing here then if they're not fuckin' representing me? ... 

DEFENDANT: Yeah, piss off. Fuckin' dogs. 

HH then decided that the jury should not be empanelled until the next day and attempted to communicate this to Baker, which led to an unfortunate misunderstanding. 

HIS HONOUR: Now Mr Baker, you can continue to interrupt me or you can listen to what I'm going to say.

DEFENDANT: I don't give a fuck, I need representation.

HIS HONOUR: No, we're beyond that stage.

DEFENDANT: No, hey, listen here you fuckin' stupid old cunt, I've got fuckin' paperwork here, if you weren't so pigheaded and using your big fuckin' fat lard arse, you might have fuckin' read it before you fuckin' jumped the gun, eh, but no, you had your fuckin' cocking mates here going on like a two bob fuckin' watch ... 

HIS HONOUR: Oh yes, your trial is starting tomorrow.

DEFEDNANT: You want a fuckin' bet? You want a fuckin' bet…

HIS HONOUR: Well ... 

DEFENDANT: I'll tell you want, I'll make a fuckin' bet - I'll make a bet with you and I tell you what, you'll lose your fuckin' fat arse.

HIS HONOUR: Now Mr Kinsella, you'll be ready for the trial tomorrow?

DEFENDANT: I'll put myself in medical, you cunt.

MR KINSELLA: Thank you, your Honour, yes.

DEFENDANT: I'll fuckin' slash-up or I'll do something.

MR KINSELLA: Yes, thank you your Honour, yes.

HIS HONOUR: Yes.

DEFENDANT: You don't fuckin' threaten me you fuckin' dog.

HIS HONOUR: You can take the accused down, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock, thank you Mr Baker?

DEFEDNANT: No, I fuckin' won't, I'll tell you fuckin' now, you fuckin' lard arse.

After the prisoner was returned to the cells by security staff the HH commented ... 

I was actually called much worse things on the rugby paddock, you know.

That's the true spirit of the Maroons. Big Artie would have been proud of the Daubstar. Go the Maroons! Go the Daubstar!

Read the full transcript here.

Sir Terence O'Rort reporting