Deferred examination application

Law students and their sense of entitlement ... The daily horror of confronting the demands of undeserving yoof ... Dr Criminale teaches at one of our leading halls of learning and is on the front line of the battle 

Dear student,

Thank you for your email with the attached deferred examination application and supporting documents.

I am sorry to hear that your budgerigar appears to have a head cold, that must be quite distressing. For the bird.

I was not previously aware that vets issued medical certificates. I hope that Pee Pee is now well and truly back in rude health.

How was your second cousin's wedding? I'm sure it must have been a terrific celebration, given that you needed six weeks' absence to attend.

Of course, you kept up with your readings while you were overseas, that was obvious from the quality of your mid-session assignment.

I can do no better than quote a couple of the more memorable passages: "parliament illegalised drink spiking a few years ago" and "penile provisions must be strictly constructed".

While you maintain that the mark I gave your paper was harsh it was, in fact, higher than your mark for last session's effort (which was remarkably similar, despite being on a different topic). Moreover, I ignored your failure to provide any references (which I put down to jet-lag).

Perhaps I should take greater account of your vigorous class participation? This included giggling with your mates at the back of the room and asking pertinent questions such as "is this going to be in the exam?".

You were quite right to defend yourself when I told you that constant texting during lectures was not going to help you pass the subject - you were using your phone to take notes, as I now concede.

By the way, what was that song you had for your ringtone? I'd like to get a copy to dance to.

I'm a bit confused about this bit: "you didnt follow the text book."

Gosh you must have a good memory! I never saw the set text in your possession once. I obviously misjudged your devotion to the subject; clearly, you went home every afternoon to compare what I said with what is in the textbook.

As you say, the textbook is too heavy to carry around, and student health and safety is our highest priority here at the university.

As your lecturer I find myself casting my mind forward a bit and imagining you as a legal practitioner (even if you can get admitted following those theft charges you asked me about).

What would this student be like as a lawyer?

I imagine you fronting up before a judge to explain why that order the court made last month has not been complied with.

"Sorry, your Honour, I have been busy with family business." What a good excuse! After all, judges are family people too. I'm sure you would have no trouble in the profession.

If the judge is really nasty you can always use the reasoning in your email: "I tryed really hard and deserve to get thru."

Consequently, there seems to be no reason for concern; in any event, I am glad to say that your admission to the profession will be someone else's responsibility.

Oops! I forgot to mention at the start - I can't deal with this. Deferred examination applications have to go to the student centre, and thence to the subject co-ordinator, who makes the final decision.

See you next session!

Kindest regards,

Dr Criminale