I'm a loser

"Why are you here?" the judge asks ... Lessons from a run of losses ... Junior Junior is advised about the virtue of defeat 

THE first year or two of a junior junior's professional life is usually marked by a series of loser briefs.

Solicitors have no qualms in briefing a baby barrister on a matter that is a dog - the baby barrister is cheap and solicitors are saved from the ignominy of being downed. 

But for a junior junior trying to get their hit rate up, it is demoralising.

Nothing says defeat like a string of losing briefs, some of which involve being bawled out by judges for wasting their time.

This is part of the unending joy of early barristerial life.

So, I was relieved when I had Friday night drinks with my floor leader a few weeks ago to be given some reassuring advice. 

First, losing briefs are the bread and butter of junior practice. Secondly, solicitors don't actually expect you to win them (phew), and most losing briefs are lost regardless of who the barrister is.

This idea that a genius barrister never loses a case (à la Rake) is just that, an idea. There is no reality in it.

The barrister with the fanciest pants will lose a hospital pass just the same as a green reader with their first brief. 

After your eighth straight loss, this is a welcome reality.

On more than one occasion, I have been asked by an incredulous judge, "Why are you even here?" 

There is obviously a fine line between an arguable case and a case that is wasting the court's time. 

During a costs argument, after an unmitigated failure of a case, the judge refused to even consider our carefully explained rejection of a Calderbank offer as, "it should have been obvious to your instructing solicitor from the second he received the instructions in the case, that it was bound to lose".  

While I think this was harsh, it was followed by a good 15 minutes being told that all my arguments were bogus. 

Afterward, my opponent apologised to me - he was mortified at the dressing down I had received.

The good news is, if you manage to win one of these rubbish briefs (such as by default of your opponents, the lack of logic on the part of a famous magistrate or some snappy loophole you manage to run), then your solicitor will love you forever.

There is nothing like receiving an email from a client with an offer to kiss your feet.

But, most of the time you know you are heading into the arena for a bollocking and there is nothing you can do about it, except to practice your poker face and ensure a stiff gin is awaiting you in chambers.

That said, off I go as the next bollocking awaits.