Leg break

Extracting overdue money from a solicitor while still being smarmy enough to get further briefs ... The waiting game ... So sorry to bother you ... Junior Junior thinks it time to break some legs 

A BARRISTER is a little like a money lender - putting funds out on the never-never. 

You do lots of work for these well-to-do (and some not so well-to-do, but we aren't talking about them) law firms. 

You even shave a little off the bill in some spots where, even though you actually did the time, you thought it might be charitable and show good faith to charge a little less.

You send your invoice promptly, on nice paper and with a little note at the bottom that says, "Thank you for your continuing instructions." 

A barrister's invoice is probably the prettiest request for money anyone ever receives.

Then the barrister waits ... and waits ... and waits.

Patience is frequently rewarded with a bank deposit or a trust cheque, but often no amount of waiting is going to magic-up the money.

So the barrister sends a little follow-up letter along these lines:

"So sorry to bother you, but I sent you an invoice six months ago and it must have accidently been filed without being paid. Please would you check the file for it and fix me up.  Many thanks."

No response.

Then the barrister makes a phone call:

Barrister:  Hi. I was just calling to enquire about my invoice on the Bloggs matter. I know you have all been really busy, but if you wouldn't mind looking into it for me, I would really appreciate it.

Solicitor:  So sorry. I'll have my secretary look into it right away and get it fixed up for you.

So the barrister waits some more.

The same process is repeated a few times, all the while interest is being waived in the hope that the client will send in some more briefs. 

The barrister rings again:

Barrister:  Hey f***wit! Where's my f***ing money?? If you don't pay me in 48 hours I'm going to break your f***ing legs. Got it?

Just joking. Ha, ha. 

The next step is to draft-up an email to the bar association's resident fee chaser (and faux leg breaker extraordinaire) who then contacts the recalcitrant client and leaves a message.

The message must have been a good one as a jet-lagged phone call arrives from the painful partner in charge of the matter, who happens to be on holidays overseas.

He advises from his hotel suite that the fees will be resolved asap.

A couple of weeks later ... nothing.

Perhaps it is time to bring in a real leg breaker.